I Gotta Be Me!-Viv’s Story

By Heather Conroy

Early on in this interview Viv tells me “I am not run of the mill let me tell you!” and laughs.

 Viv and I agree that it is my task to find an her an appropriate alias for this profile article, so I’ve called her Viv because it’s a variation of Vivian, which means 'Gracious in life or lively'. I think that you will come to see her this way as you read her story. Viv has asked me to change her name for the simple reason that she wants to be seen as normal and equal. It is not because she is hiding, embarrassed or ashamed. In fact it is not the first time she has taken on a new identity.

I interview Viv over the phone and it feels like a friendly chat. Viv is a friendly, warm 40 (you don’t look it!) year old lady who laughs often.  She prefers a phone interview because it is less clinical thus freeing her to speak openly about her life. She tells me that she has been on the phone a lot lately and feels as if she is providing a dial-up advice line service (another giggle escapes). She admits that she is a good listener and she gives any advice seekers information about what she would do in a similar situation. “I call it like I see it-so don’t ask me anything if you don’t want to hear it”. She tells me that this puts people off and has lost her several friends. “I’m sometimes insensitive-I can tell I have been that way after the fact when I hear a pause after I have spoken my mind. The pause tells me that I have overstepped the mark”

This opening chat leads naturally to a discussion of whether Viv has always been this way (yes!). “I think that it comes from growing up with parents who made all the decisions for me and decided everything for me”.  Once Viv stepped out of her expected family role in early adolescence, she took on the role of the family’s black sheep. Her departure from being the way her parents wanted her to be eventually led to her estrangement from her father, mother and younger brother.

I ask her what story she tells herself about remaining estranged from her family in the present. She says “I don’t miss them. It’s easier all round. People say they’re blood but they have different morals, values and ways of thinking to me. It’s ok with them if I play the expected role and pretend to be someone I’m not. But they don’t like who I really am. There’s too much negative energy between us and reconnecting would be a waste of time. I gotta be me!” 

I ask Viv what feelings surface when she thinks about rekindling a relationship with her parents. She says “I imagine their disapproval; I feel them saying you shouldn’t do this and that, and you could do better.  I feel as if I am not good enough and that to them my choices will never be right. My life is so nice and stable and comfortable and I don’t want to upset it. Reconnecting doesn’t feel like the right thing. Staying apart feels right for both sides. I don’t feel angry or resentful like I used to. I just feel sorry for them.”

I listen to Viv talk about herself as a young girl. Viv’s mother dressed her in fluffy pink dresses and Viv would then go straight outside and line up as many snails as she could find on the garden wall. She would then smash them one by one with a brick. Throughout school she was a straight A student who did most of the housework because both her parents worked around the clock. When Viv was 14 she brought home a 16 year old biker boyfriend. Despite the fact that he made her go to school when she didn’t want to and encouraged her to study to be better than the others in her peer group, Viv’s parents did not approve of him. Unfortunately Viv’s father did not accept her next boyfriend because he was Indian. So her parents then chose more appropriate boyfriends for Viv but she found them very boring.

It was not just the company she kept that drew Viv’s parents’ disapproval it was also her dreams and ambitions. All through school Viv’s father tried to talk her out of going to University. Her parents did not approve of the way Viv dressed either, and consequently she felt that she was never good enough for them.  Viv tells me that her parents wanted the perfect house with the 2.2 kids and the dog. Viv did not fit into that plan and soon left home and began a fast paced life on her own terms away from the constraints of her family in a home of her own.

“In those days my house was like a train station” she says “It was open all hours of the day and night with people coming and going, and there were drugs”. Viv admits that she partied hard. “I went to London and became a Skinhead, and I was a Bogan before that. Then I changed my look again and I realised I could fool everybody because I was perceived in different ways depending on the way I looked. I must admit that I liked the fact that people made assumptions about me based on my appearance, then when they found out that I was not what they had originally perceived – I hoped they had learned a valuable lesson!”

Viv’s life became wilder and wilder until something really big happened.

 At the age of 26 Viv had part of her brain surgically removed to stop recurrent epileptic seizures, and soon afterwards she had 2 strokes. She recalls that “The removal of the right temporal lobe and part of the hippocampus resulted in memory difficulties and no sense of time along with severe headaches, a convenient although not very fashionable hair cut (shaved) and a lovely set of scars and staple marks. The first stroke left the entire left side of my body numb on the surface and a subsequent stroke left me unable to walk or talk which I eventually relearned.”

Viv woke up in hospital to find her parents in her hospital room acting as if nothing had happened after her then boyfriend secretly contacted them to tell them how ill she was. They were supportive and wanted her to move back home with them. They agreed to Viv’s request that they not revert to their controlling ways and so she went home. She admits that her options were few. After Viv’s surgery and subsequent strokes there were problems with her boyfriend, Viv lost her license, house, her job and she was scared. The most devastating losses were her independence, her confidence and a sense of who she was. She wondered what her future might hold and what she would be capable of achieving. Once ensconced in the family home, Viv’s parents went back on their word and started to exert control over her again. Old feelings resurfaced and Viv felt trapped in a life she didn’t want.

She then attempted suicide as a way out.

What followed was a very dark time for Viv. All signs of hope and light were dimmed and life was grim. Her seizures continued for several years before ceasing and they left her drained, depressed and sometimes with broken bones.

Fortunately on the other side of a failed exit from a life that she couldn’t bear there was light. Viv attributes this to good Karma. I note that it was Viv who pulled herself together, picked herself up and took on a whole new life. She changed her name, her address, cut off contact with everybody and left her old life behind. She realised that a complete break from the surroundings and people that supported her old lifestyle was the only way forward. I tell her that her success is likely her own doing and remark on the carefully planned and conscious decisions she made. She doesn’t see herself that way. She says “I am totally impulsive if the thing I am doing will only affect me-I am a risk taker and adrenaline junky if no-one else will be affected by my actions. However if my actions will have consequences for others I am very considerate and logical.”

I ask her how she thinks about the loss of her old life and everything in it. She tells me that she knows that all her old (partying train station) friends are either dead, in jail or pregnant with 4 children, unhappy, and with no ambitions. Leaving her old life behind was necessary to redefine who she was, and essential for self preservation. Viv’s surgery and subsequent strokes were the catalyst for a full reassessment of her life. She found that she didn’t know what she was capable of and she feared being seen as someone with a brain injury. So Viv started a University degree to “test out the new brain to see if I was even capable of academic study” and to increase her chances of future employment. She made up her mind that she would not tell any future employers that she previously had brain surgery and a stroke. “I can’t stand the pity thing and I want to be judged on equal ground. Admitting that I have a disability immediately puts a question mark in people’s minds about what I can and can’t do. I really don’t think I have a disability, I just do things differently now.”

I am interested in one of Viv’s two jobs which are supporting her through University. “They call me the bag and tag lady” she says of her job as a Funeral Transfer Officer. I really want to know the ins and outs of it. So Viv tells me in a matter of fact way that she collects the deceased from various locations (home in their own beds, overdosed in alley ways, homicide crime scenes, nursing homes and major hospitals’ holding rooms) fills out the paper work and takes them back to the funeral home. She admits that some cases are easier to deal with than others. “Some deaths simply put an end to pain and suffering so I don’t have to witness it which  affects me badly and leaves me feeling helpless – they are at peace when I get there” she says.  Viv walks into distressing situations and she respects any cultural differences, family needs and is acutely sensitive to the particular requirements of each situation. People appreciate her special skills and reward her with amazing gifts after they have witnessed the caring, empathetic, gracious and sensitive way that she performs her job. It is certainly partly Viv’s diverse life experiences that imbibe her with the necessary skills to carry out this role.

I ask her then about her other interests. She tells me “I’m an avid gardener. You see where you’ve been and it is satisfying growing something from nothing. Gardening gives me energy. It’s the sounds, the smells and the sights that feed my soul. Plus I love being dirty” she bawdily laughs “These days I throw the snails over the neighbour’s fence in keeping with Buddhist philosophy. Buddhism appeals to me because it’s not about judgement. I meditate about twice a week at the temple or at home and it’s the only time I sit still.”

I ask her how that practice affects her daily life.

“It helps me to accept all things. It reminds me about tolerance and compassion”.

Viv has had to accept many things that she is powerless to change. She remembers a time when she could not walk or talk.

“There is no point stressing about things that are out of your control” she says, “I get up every morning and do the check. I can walk, I can talk and I can smile. It’s gonna be a good day!”

©Heather Conroy
BPsych (Hons)
PhD candidate

I acknowledge clinical therapist Fiona McColl and her excellent website E-Stranged  http://estrangedfamilies.wordpress.com/ and in particular Fiona’s “things to ponder” which appear at the end of each post and which I have used to probe aspects of Viv’s feelings and thoughts about her family estrangement.

My special thanks to “Viv” whose story both inspires and reminds me to be more tolerant, compassionate and grateful in my own life.

About Heather Conroy